12 Feb Klaustrophobie: Claras Geschichte
It was here again. The fear. Like a snowball rolling towards her, getting bigger and bigger. It appeared all of a sudden, in this tiny little second when she was not paying attention. Her heart was beating as if it wanted to explode and she couldn’t catch her breath. Cold sweat drops were rolling down her spine.
And she was only entering the U2 at Wittenbergplatz on that cold November morning.
She looked at the people around her. Everything appeared to be normal at this early morning hour. People were minding their own business, tired faces listening to ipods, reading newspapers, chatting over the phones. It seemed as if she was the only one who found something threatening in the situation. Clara tried to act normal as well, took her iphone and started writing whatsapp messages. But she couldn’t finish the word, her fingers refused to cooperate. She was lacking fresh air. Her breath was fast and shallow. It was bumping in her head. Her only thought was to get away. But why? She was already in the metro, staying close to the door “just in case”. And the metro was ready to leave. She started imagining the first seconds of the drive. They will enter the long tunnel and everything she’ll be able to see, will be the darkness, thick and heavy. Dark walls coming close to her, squeezing her, pushing air out of her lungs and elevating her pulse rate. She felt sick and thought she’d faint just imagining the scene. Clara started panicking. She had to do something. And she had to do it quickly. Should she stay and show herself that she is able to make it or – as so many times before – should she escape again? Admit that she is too weak to handle an everyday situation? She was telling herself, she would go through this time. It’s just a short ride and a very safe one. The U2 makes hundreds of km every day of the week and nobody ever suffocated inside. At least she hasn’t heard of it. So there is no danger. She is acting totally silly. She might be crazy. Is she insane? Her head was spinning. She was not capable of thinking clearly. And then came this voice “Please get inside, the door closes.“ Clara didn’t think any more and jumped out of the train in the last second. She did it again, yes, like thousands of times before. She felt ashamed and defeated. Not capable of doing normal things that millions of people do every day without even thinking of it. She needed help, she knew it. But then she thought: „…where should I go? What should I say? That I’m scared of taking the subway? People will laugh at me, tell me I’m making things up. Or that I am insane. Well I am in a way. This is obviously not normal. I must be losing my mind. Can somebody help me?...“
Have you ever experienced such feelings? Do you have fears that prevent you from living a fulfilling life? I am here to help you cope.